Life is feeling very out-of-sorts for me lately. I have had alot of positive changes, like venturing out of the church I grew up in and finally seeking out a church that better suits my needs. I have landed at an awesome church...one in which I swore I would never join a couple years ago, because I grew up with the message of mega-churches=bad. So taking this step, is HUGE for me. I had to do alot of soul-searching and challenging my assumptions, but I am so glad that I did, because I now feel "at home" in this new place. Along with attending church regularly, I also recently joined a small group for "singles" (though most are in dating relationships), and it has been exactly what I have needed for quite awhile now. I needed to find more friends, get out and be more social, try new things, BE with people. It's so easy to just sit at home alone doing nothing but laying around on the weekends I am without my son. But I have just come to a point where I realized time is ticking, and if there are things I want to do in life, now is the time.
In addition to these positive changes, I also feel like my son and I have settled into a routine that is working...tiring, but working. He started Kindergarten this Fall, and my work hours are now back up to full-time (Summers are slower). Unfortunately, exercise and healthy eating have fallen to the wayside. But I have not given up and know I will soon be back in the saddle.
Despite all these great things going for me, I still feel...lost? Unsettled? I don't know that there's a word that accurately describes it. Recently I started reading the book, "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It was one of those moments where I saw it at the church bookstore and felt like it was just something I needed to read...maybe a divine intervention of sorts. Reading this book has been hard. It really has challenged me to take a look at areas of my life I need to work on. Along with reading this book, I decided to go back to my own therapy. Both are challenging me in hard, but necessary ways. Recently, the new church I am attending has been having messages on "Dangerous Prayers"(Bold Prayers). The first week of the series focused on "Blind Spots"; areas in our life that we need to change but with which we are blind. Essentially, the pastor recommended we ask a few of our close friends about areas that they feel we need to work on, that we might be blind to. This last week's message was about asking God to change me...praying for God to use our weaknesses to change us. And without a doubt, I found myself teary-eyed about the areas in my life that I am not proud of...areas that need to change if I want to have a healthy dating relationship/marriage (among other things) in the future.
I know that God is saying "not now" to dating...and it is the HARDEST thing to accept. I am a go-getter, I don't hold back. If there's something or someone I want, I go for it. It's the way I have always been, I like to be in control. There is someone I may be interested in...a guy who I know next to nothing about, but I want to get to know more. And the story of how this relationship could be orchestrated (cue my desire for control) has me fantasizing about the possibility. I literally see pictures in my head of a future with this man, yet, I know next to nothing about him. I find myself wanting to initiate contact, but due to several circumstances, I feel God saying "not yet". As the title of this post states, I feel like I'm having a ton of "false starts". It's like I'm setting up for the start of a sprint, and I false start...God has not shot the gun. And it feels like I am false starting constantly throughout the day as I go through all the "what-ifs", and it is becoming exhausting and disheartening. Like a child being put in time-out, I want to throw a fit and try and negotiate with God, that I AM ready to date again. But God is saying "not yet". I am begging God, saying "See, I acknowledge my problems and I am ready to change them, please let me have this", but God is saying "Not Yet".
As a therapist, I often question what insight I would help guide my own clients to if they were in my situation. Yesterday, the Serenity Prayer came to mind: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I don't know that I yet have the wisdom to know whether this constant thinking/analyzing/dreaming of a relationship is something I can change or not. I DO know, that just wishing it would go away is not working and leaving me with alot of guilt. Part of me just wonders if this is the way God has designed me...I don't know...cue Serenity prayer.
Though I know there are some concrete signs of change that will signal me that I am ready, the rest is just a big, fat question mark. Change takes time, and that fact leaves me feeling so sad. Next to getting closer to God and being a great mom, the only thing left that I want, is to be in a happy, loving, supportive, God-centered relationship. God knows the desires of my heart. He knows every step I take, and what will happen on my journey here on Earth. And now, I need to find the courage to trust that and get to work. God, please change me.
Shameless request: For those that pray, please pray for me to have courage to change and peace in the wait. Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment