New Year

It's been a long time since I have lost blogged, likely because there was nothing that I felt proud of that was newsworthy. I sit here this evening, on the first day of 2018, and I can honestly say I feel lost and void of direction. Usually I have aspirations on the first day of the New Year, for which (like many others), will likely be unaccomplished and forgotten in due time. But today, I feel broken and lost, which is why I am back at this space again.

There were some pretty awesome things that happened in 2017, but those are often overshadowed by the darkness, as depression likes to do. Part of the reason for the lapse in blogging is that I've liven life undercover over the past year. Most days, nights, weekends, I have wrapped myself in a blanket in bed or lounged on the couch mindlessly eating while watching reality TV junk. I had lost my sense of purpose and belonging in life and rather than find the energy to explore, I retreated. I had stopped attending small group, stopped dating after some bad dates and a short relationship that took what little energy I had left in reserve. I had stopped exercising, stopped eating healthy, stopped caring about my appearance. I called in sick to work many days, not able to find the energy to get out of bed, let alone carry the emotional weight of seeing clients when I couldn't even put my own skills into practice in overcoming depression. I stopped dreaming and hoping that there would be better days ahead.  I am in my "dream job", had my Master's degree, and had a child that I so longingly desired, so why then, does my life continue to feel like it's not worth living? All those experiences of being resilient and making a comeback, were beginning to feel less worthy because here I am, back in this dark place again. I might as well begin to call them "fake news".

Chronic depression and anxiety are no doubt the aftermath of unresolved childhood trauma, genetics, and a series of unfortunate events. I have come out of denial that the major depressive episodes were simply explainable by life circumstances at the time, and am beginning to see the reality that this will be a lifelong fight. As a result, I am going through a grieving process of sorts; I have moved from denial to anger to depression in the stages of grieving the life for which I had envisioned. I have begun to contemplate acceptance that no matter how much money is in my bank account, no matter my dating status, no matter my weight or appearances, no matter the employment position I hold, that depression will forever be in the background risking a knock on the door.

It is easy for one to say all the "justs" in overcoming depression: If you only you just...look at the positives, lose weight, exercise, pray more, socialize more, etc., that  it would make depression go away. In fact, I often held this belief as indeed, those are some strategies I used in "overcoming" depressive episodes in the past; but I am now understanding that they were merely episodes and not overcoming the illness all together. Because no matter what I did to temporarily overcome those episodes, depression seemed to always come back knocking on the door at one point or another.

I am only beginning to reflect on how I might redirect my energy into "overcoming" depression and move toward a path that has less resistance and more radical acceptance. 

This weekend was a weekend of having to reflect on some hard truths about myself and where I am in this world and life. It seems that this blog post has helped redirect me to reflect on deeper matters rather than wallow in those bad things. Another day, I will write again.